okay, major thanks to `imperfect for the ideas. seriously. this is a lot smarter now, I think. (updated July 2012) ...also `HaveTales-WillTell for reminding me that em dashes are awesome.
this is fiction (despite a real enough sentiment). Written for [link]
Edit: bbbllllbbbfffpfffff ok, so $lightningmonkey is way better at poetry than me and ^thorns can rock feelings (go read about her sexy minotaur)...and I hear they like comments
PS. Questions welcomed.
DEAR TWATS: do NOT tease me by leaving one comment and then giving up. Bitches be gettin' my hopes up. I am a very sensitive person prone to flames so if you say something here it will be maximally entertaining, you should try it.
The ability to capture so much in such a few words is definitely noteworthy. The subject matter being decay, death and departure is housed effortlessly. This poem is not without ambition.
As for your comments and publisizing of the artists who suggested your work be displayed.. No one person is "better" at poetry than any other. Structure, form and syntax? None of that matters when dealing with the root of poetry's inception...self expression. Convey a message, scene or story to your audience in so few or verbose word useage and you've accomplished a feat fitting of kings and legends.
One thing I always use to compare Daily Deviations. Until now the absolute worse DD I have witnessed was a picture of a pickle. There was no special lighting..no artistic merit..nothing of actual value in this picture...but it was given the prestigious award. I was furious! I admit. Until I took a look at the artist's gallery and found so very much more... Why do I share this? This groping of words..is in my opinion..no pickle. But it allows other artists to not only observe your deviation..but expose them to your other works...either those already displayed in your gallery..or the ones you have yet to share. The most important thing is...they'll never miss a thing. All of us are watching..
First off, I do rather like the double entendre 'leaves', assuming it is one, alluding to autumn 'leaves' and the physical infinitive 'to leave'
It is commendable that you tell so much, particularly how you effectively engage the senses with only five words. But I feel like the word 'terminal' does the same job as the rest of the piece. I'll assume from the word that the scene would be a clinic or a hospital, but I feel the piece might have set a scene more effectively if that first word had been alluding to that place.
As to the general form, it is ambitious - some great vision here and the topic it addresses is a powerful and emotional one. The DD was well earnt
It doesn't for me express as many feelings as most people saw. To me, it just seems kind of blunt and dry. Not because it's short but because of the words displayed don't really have that much effect. Except for leaves... I don't know I was trying to figure it out. Thought somebody might explain it to me.
Oh okay, the first part I got. The second part of the explanation I didn't understand at first but seems really neat now that I know. It was more personal perhaps. But I like it. Wish you didn't have to defend your DD though either way. It's not fair/right. If they have such an irrational problem they should take it up with somebody else. But anyway thanks for helping. I was worried I came off as rude. I know how sensitive I get anyway about artsy stuff.
Honestly, I mind more when trolls can't follow through. I mean, I'm not sensitive about it at all so I'm basically getting screwed out of easy entertainment.
No, it would have been worse to just be like 'I don't get this, I'm done'! I don't think it's rude to want to understand.
As for your comments and publisizing of the artists who suggested your work be displayed..
No one person is "better" at poetry than any other. Structure, form and syntax? None of that matters when dealing with the root of poetry's inception...self expression. Convey a message, scene or story to your audience in so few or verbose word useage and you've accomplished a feat fitting of kings and legends.
One thing I always use to compare Daily Deviations. Until now the absolute worse DD I have witnessed was a picture of a pickle. There was no special lighting..no artistic merit..nothing of actual value in this picture...but it was given the prestigious award. I was furious! I admit. Until I took a look at the artist's gallery and found so very much more...
Why do I share this?
This groping of words..is in my opinion..no pickle. But it allows other artists to not only observe your deviation..but expose them to your other works...either those already displayed in your gallery..or the ones you have yet to share. The most important thing is...they'll never miss a thing. All of us are watching..
ps. Leave the colon.
It is commendable that you tell so much, particularly how you effectively engage the senses with only five words. But I feel like the word 'terminal' does the same job as the rest of the piece. I'll assume from the word that the scene would be a clinic or a hospital, but I feel the piece might have set a scene more effectively if that first word had been alluding to that place.
As to the general form, it is ambitious - some great vision here and the topic it addresses is a powerful and emotional one. The DD was well earnt
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